so i am single once again…it’s been about 3 weeks and i have to say that i’m not really sure how i feel about it…i’m not the one who ended things so i know part of me still holds on to something…but i also know that i wasn’t very happy and it’s probably for the best…with that said it doesn’t make it any easier to let go…

you know what i hate?…when people tell you ‘oh you’re better off,’ or ‘you’ll find someone better,’ or ‘he’s going to miss you, you just wait and see’…i mean really the last thing i want to hear is crap like that…he doesn’t miss me…i doubt i’ll find someone better…and no i’m not better off…i’m freaking depressed and feel like a loser b/c my boyfriend just broke up with me…i know they’re just trying to make me feel better but seriously it’s not helping…i feel like a reject and i can’t stop crying…

it’s been 3 weeks now so i have had some time to heal…so i’m not as much of a basket case as i was before…but i’m still sad…i do know that time is helping…and trust me i hate it when people say that time heals all wounds…but it’s the truth…i actually talked to him tonight and i really wanted to know if it was over for good…his exact words, ‘in the least mean way possible, yes we are done for good, there is no chance of us working things out’…what a fantastic birthday present…i mean i feel so damn special!…

so what advice do i have…mmm…well i don’t really have any…i would say put your whole heart into the one you love and you can’t go wrong…you have to trust that if there’s a problem they will talk to you about it…something i don’t feel i really got in this last relationship…talk about the things that you really need to address, not just the superficial things…talking is not overrated and very much needed…it would have been nice to know that he was feeling like i wasn’t there emotionally for him…i wish i would have told him how i was feeling as well…maybe we would have been able to fix the hurt that was happening instead of ignoring it…

and it’s okay to cry…you need to cry and maybe do it often…the depths of your pain will soon subside and it won’t be as hurtful as the day before and the day before that and so on…i guess if you love with your whole heart and you put everything you can into making that person happy you can’t regret anything…love is difficult…especially when you’ve given that person all of you…but then again you aren’t truly happy until you’ve allowed yourself to be so vulnerable to someone else…that love is unlike anything you can imagine…

and the most important thing to do is pray to God…talk to Him…heck hell at Him…He can take it…and at the end of the day remember that He only gives you as much as you can handle…and if the hurt could be avoided He wouldn’t have you go through it…remember that His plan is so much better then anything we could ever dream up…

i guess i should back up and clarify that he says he doesn’t believe in marriage…he thinks that you shouldn’t have to sign a contract to ‘prove’ you love someone…and to a certain extent i agree…but obviously i differ in opinion b/c i’m pretty unhappy right now…i’ve always felt like marriage was the ultimate way to show someone you love them…like you want to let every other person in the world know that you want to be with them and you are willing to work on it forever!!…that to me is pretty profound and extremely loving…

so anyway we had this ‘talk’ and he told me that he didn’t want to break up but thought it was the only thing we could do since i want to get married and he never does…i guess any logically person would say walk away…but i’m having a hard time letting go…seeing as i love him and all…but since we talked i have been feeling myself more and more depressed…perhaps depressed is a little much but i have been really sad…

i find myself crying a lot!…and it’s at really stupid things…well kinda…i see what once was a great relationship dying away…and i feel i can honestly say that it’s not for lack of effort on my part…but as for my bf there seems to be little or none…and i think that is what makes me so sad…like to him it’s not worth saving…

one of his really good friends is getting married this saturday and i apparently wasn’t invited to the wedding…now it’s not like i don’t know the couple…my bf and i have been dating for a year and half and i was actually present when they got engaged…i have a really difficult time believing that they didn’t invite me…and if i wasn’t well then i stand very corrected and apologize…but i just think my bf doesn’t want me there…he’s been doing that a lot lately…

i can’t remember the last time we spent a weekend together…he always has plans to do something else and makes it a point to not invite me…he has had several pool parties on the weekends and tells me he doesn’t want me there…just a side note, writing all this down is making me very sad…he doesn’t text me or really talk to me throughout the day like he used to do…the only time i hear i love you is if i say it first…he also never lets his phone out of his sight…i can’t help but feel like he wants me to end things…i would think that if an outside person read this they would say what are you waiting for?!…

i thought when i met him that God had sent me someone truly special…like it hadn’t worked with anyone else b/c of him…and now i can’t help but feel like this is just another guy who got what he wanted from me and is done…there’s always someone better around the corner…i’m never the girl who is good enough…okay that last part might just be a little bit of a pity party…

i’m going to be 30 in a month and i feel like a huge loser…i see so many of my friends getting married or having babies and i can’t even find a job!…i’m not a person who likes to compare myself to others in the ‘what you should be doing at this stage in your life’…but seriously i’m beginning to think that i’ll never meet anyone who thinks i’m good enough to marry…

i once remember telling a guy that i was totally interested in, who was not interested in me, that if you don’t feel that can’t eat, can’t sleep, over the moon feeling then i guess i’m not the girl for you…of course he responded with ‘nope, don’t feel that!’…my life is a pathetic girl movie except i don’t foresee a happy ending…i would love for a guy to say that to me and there would be a ‘happy ending’…but i won’t hold my breathe!!…

okay i’m done with this right now…i need to lay down and sleep or have something to drink!!

so i’ve deleted most of my previous posts…mostly b/c i don’t feel they serve much of a purpose for me and well…i just plain feel silly re-reading them again! so what’s new…i’m looking for a new job…the current one is completely not what i need in my life nor do i want…and let me tell you it’s much harder to find a job this year, so far, then last year…although i have to cut myself some slack knowing that most positions won’t be open until the coming month so i guess all i can do is look at the moment and hopefully something will come up soon…

what i want/need to write about right now is much more difficult then i had imagined…i thought i would just be able to sit here and ‘dump’ it all out…i’m finding it much harder to articulate my thoughts…i think i’ll just leave it at this…i’ve been doing much more reading then i usually do, which is really to say i’m actually reading!!…and it’s been mostly books that deal with religion and God…i think i’m in a phase that i am starving for Jesus and guidance…this may be my way of trying to talk with Him…anyhow the books i’ve recently finished are ‘The Problem of Pain’, ‘Five People you Meet in Heaven’, and ‘The Shack’…now if i can saw in my humble opinion, and i am fully aware of how unimportant it is, The Shack is an amazing book…if you want to feel like you are not a total failure when it comes to your faith and how God may want you to think of Him you must read it…i’m not a big reader but this is one that i would definitely say is worthwhile…i haven’t felt this touched by God in a long time…you should check it out if you haven’t already…

that’s it for now…adios amigos!!